The Confidence Myth Holding You Back

When I first start working with a client, I sit and talk with them to understand their goals and what they want to focus on during our coaching journey. 

I don’t initially ask for a formal presentation, because my goal in that first interaction is to get a baseline for how they communicate naturally.

Once I have a sense of their authentic communication style, I ask them to stand up and “present” to me by introducing themselves again or sharing a story.

And that’s when it happens. The switch flips.

Their voice changes, their posture stiffens, and their delivery starts to sound robotic. The easy, natural flow they had while we were chatting disappears, and suddenly they’re performing.

When I point this out and ask what’s different, they usually say something like, “I get nervous when I stand up to speak,” or “I feel like I need to sound more polished.”

Don’t get me wrong, being polished when presenting matters, but not at the expense of losing who you are. You can be poised and authentic at the same time. In fact, the two should go hand in hand.

When we dig deeper to understand the cause of this “performance” shift, it’s often rooted in a lack of confidence.

I get it. Being your authentic self is scary. And nine times out of ten, clients tell me they’d feel more comfortable being authentic after they build confidence.

But authenticity actually leads to confidence…not the other way around.

When I tell people this, they initially look at me like I’ve grown a third head. Some even argue the point. But once I show them what it looks and feels like in action, they become believers.

Sure, it’s uncomfortable at first because being authentic means being seen and vulnerable. But the irony is, the more authentic you are, the more confident you feel.

And research backs this up. Studies show that authenticity is tied to greater well-being, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of self (Kernis & Goldman, 2006; Wood et al., 2008). 

And confidence often grows out of those same things. When your words and actions align with who you are, you feel grounded and self-assured (Harter, 2002).

When my clients finally experience this…when they stop performing and start being…a major shift happens. They realize they don’t have to build confidence before showing up as themselves. They just have to show up as themselves, and confidence follows.

Because when you’re rooted in authenticity, you’re not pretending. You’re not trying to remember your “confident voice.” You’re simply showing up, connecting and sharing something real. And that’s what people respond to.

So the next time you’re presenting, give it a try. Start with authenticity and watch as your confidence naturally follows. 

We’d love to hear from you! Has there been a time when showing up as your authentic self led to more confidence? Hit reply and share your story!